I remember taking psychology in college (probably the easiest course I ever took) and I read about an experiment done with babies, probably about 6 months old, and the development of depth perception. The experiment involved putting a plexiglass floor over another floor about 3 feet down. Babies would crawl up to the edge, but not crawl across it. Another study was done where the babies again crawled up to the edge and stopped, but a parent was on the other side coaxing them across. The younger the babies were, the more eagerly they crawled across to their parents. As they got older, they had learned to put more trust in their own judgments.With regard to my brother's health and my own prayers for and confidence in his healing, I feel like I am in a tug-of-war between faith and sight. By faith, I see a miraculous healing of all of this that plagues him now--the pneumonia, the Guillain-Barre syndrome, and ultimately the cancer. By faith, I see him completely restored to the man God created him to be. By faith, I see him in a relationship with God, gaining an understanding of his immense value, joyful that the One who knows him best loves him most, dancing and singing and playing his accordion again. By faith, I see any shyness about expressing his love for people gone. By faith, I see him accepting a hug from me and not blushing.
It's my flesh that struggles. My emotions get me every time. I hate riding the emotional roller coaster of better-worse-better-worse. I just need to close my eyes, I guess, and walk by faith. Oh for the trust of that 6-month-old who unhesitatingly crawls across the glass to her mother. My faith is more like that of Peter, who was eager to believe, but took his eyes off Jesus, and seeing the waves and being buffeted by the wind, he began to sink.
From "Walking on the Water" by Marcellino D'Ambrosio: "The most frequently repeated phrase in the gospels is “Do not be afraid!” The Lord is not speaking to our emotions here, since you can’t command emotions. He is speaking to our will. We must make a conscious decision not to allow fear to paralyze us. Peter sank because he stopped walking. Faith means to keep walking even when your knees are knocking."
They plan to take Cliff off the respirator Thursday. They plan to do this according to human sight. (Do not read judgment into these words. These decisions are being made by people who love Cliff and are doing as Cliff would wish.) I am still praying for and believing in complete healing.
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That day came and I had to work and could not go be wtih the family as they surrounded Cliff, certain that he would breathe his last. But at home I prayed, "Breathe....cough....breathe." and late in the day I got a cal from Mom that they had taken Cliff of the respirator and he had breathed, coughed, and breathed--and continued breathing.
Alas, God did not choose to heal him, but he WAS able to go home, As Nick had promised him he would not die in a hospital, but at home. I was able to be with him his last day. I read scripture to him and sang Christmas carols, like he had sung to me all my life. After I left, before I even got home, he reathed his last. I still miss him. I can still hear him singing and lauhing and tlking. Every once in a while I will hear his voice in the other room, and then ralize it is Keary, not cliff.
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