Ad libitum

Note:  Ad libitum is often translated "at one's pleasure" or "at liberty" or "freely".

I had a conversation with a friend the other evening and she made the comment that as humans we like order, which led us to a discussion about how God never seems to do the same thing twice.  I would like to take you on a wandering journey now, which may seem random, but in reality, this is what it's about--ad libitum.  I have told you this ahead of time, because if you are at all like me, you want to know where we are going before we leave. 

I have learned a lot about myself over the years by observing my children.  One thing I have learned is that I appreciate "order" especially as it pertains to planning my day.  One of my favorite memories of Laura is that of her little 18-month-old self at my 23rd birthday party.  Mom had bought her a present as well, so that she would have something to open (very smart Grandma!!).  I believe it was a little stuffed toy.  Laura tore the paper off, opened the box, played with the little stuffed toy and when she was done, she put it back in the box and tried to put the paper back on.  Apparently, it was supposed to be in the box, wrapped up.  That's where it lived, that's where "away" was.  I cannot tell you how many Breyer boxes we brought home from birthdays and Christmases over the years because things came in a box and so they belonged in the box when we were done!  As I sit here typing, on the shelves above me (the last vestiges of when Laura used to occupy this room) are several Breyer boxes, with models inside. When she was a preschooler, she would order her day and woe to me if I brought something unexpected into it!  I learned very quickly to give her a run-down at the beginning of the day of the things I planned to do that included her, and then I dare not change that!   A simple thing like going to the grocery store had to be planned for.  My child liked order. 

My son is the same way.  I guess I am as well.  I roll a little better with the punches now that I am older, but I suspect, in my younger years, I was very much like they are. 

I don't know if everyone is that way.  I suspect we all are to some degree.  This brings me back to my discussion with my friend.  In our walks with God, we would very much like it if He would say to us.  "Okay, here is today's agenda" or even "In the next few years, these things are going to happen.  This is what I intend for the end result to be."  but God doesn't seem to work that way in our lives.  Life with God is a wandering ramble.  He doesn't hand us a syllabus so we can pace ourselves, or read ahead when we have extra time or energy,or set aside study time for the midterms and tests He has planned for us.  

When I was in college, I spent a couple years working for this ancient dairyman. (Okay, to my 20-year-old self he was ancient, but he was really only in his 60s.)  He used to write me out a list of what needed to be done, so when I got to the barn, I could just look at the list and get started.  But there were times when my list intersected with his list for himself, like when we would haul heifers out to some location or he needed me to guard a gate when he was cleaning out an occupied pen with the tractor, or when we needed to get a load of hay.  These were often special times, because he was so full of knowledge about everything.  He knew the calls of every bird, their habits, their looks.  He knew every plant that grew in the area, what it was good for, and what the Indians had used it for.  He knew what the land looked like a hundred years ago and where it used to flood and where buildings used to stand, which had long since been torn down.  But I always had my list in the back of my head, and I was 20 years old, and so I tended to listen, but also keep him on task.  As time went on, I got better about listening and letting myself get taken off task.  What he knew, and what I'm still learning, is that life is about relationships and relationships take time.  

It is with great fondness that I remember our walks through the fields, where he would touch my arm and put his finger to his lips and whisper, "listen" and there would be some bird whistling, or we were approaching a china pheasant that I had not seen, or he would direct my attention to a plant growing over there.  And when I think about life and my walk with God, I am reminded of my time with the old farmer.  Often God will say, "Let's head in this direction," and my mind will look that way and see what's in the distance and think, "Aha, a destination".  But really, we aren't headed to the end of that road, there is just an interesting flower that God wants me to see, or a china rooster hidden in the tall grass.  Life with God is a meandering walk through His creation.  He has a lot to teach us.  We don't need to know the plan, the syllabus, the time-table, even the stops on the road.  We only need to hold His hand and pay attention, because life is about the relationship, not the destination.