I know what you are
struggling with is not the same as what I have gone through, but if I could
give you a “brief” history of the past 6 years or so….I have been in a similar
place, and so I speak with confidence when I say that He is faithful, and that
He is building your faith.
I have a husband,
married in 1988, a
daughter born in 1984, whom my husband adopted in 1989, and a son born in 2000
(and two miscarriages and infertility between the kids). I developed diabetes in the 1990s. My husbnand and I were both born in 1962 and
met in late 1986.
In January 2008, my
grandmother died at the age 92 of a massive stroke. She had been the prayer
warrior of our family. In December 2008,
my eldest brother died of cancer that he refused to fight. About that time, we found out that our
daughter was pregnant with our first grandchild—they have struggled with
infertility and this was a miracle for
them, and the pregnancy had been fraught with early spotting, but things seemed
to be going okay. In April 2009, when
she was about 6 months along, I broke my leg on Sunday night and then went with
her, on crutches, to her OB appointment.,
where the baby’s heart rate was very slow—in the 60s. They had her come back the following day,
when they discovered that the baby, a little girl, had died.
Having a broken leg
really cut down on my ability to exercise, a key component in my diabetes
control, and in August I developed an infection in my foot that landed me in
the hospital for 10 days with sepsis and kidney failure and foot surgery and
lots of bills….It took me MONTHS to recover from this, but just as I was
getting on my feet again, in November 2009, my husband had a massive stroke
that took him out of the workforce and left me the sole provider. Because of my uncontrolled diabetes, I was
losing my vision. My husband had done
all the shopping and cooking to that point, but could no longer drive, so that
new fell on me, as well as taking extra work to make up for what he was no
longer able to bring in. By April of
that year (2010), I was no longer able
to drive, barely able to work, and having to do all the cooking and shopping…it
was awful. I had to put all the groceries
away myself (and all the dishes) because if someone else put them away, I could
not find them.
I remember standing
in my kitchen feeling completely overwhelmed—too much to do, losing my vision,
not able to drive any longer, having people bring me meals and groceries (the
orchestra I had played in and no longer could, organized a meal and food box
for us for many months, and every week they would send us a box of premade
meals I could put in the freezer and take out when needed, and basic panty
supplies…what a god send!!..and I had huge hospital and doctor bills that
insurance did not cover for both myself and my husband, and then our son, who
picked that year to jump off a board and land on a nail and put it completely through
is foot…all the way out the top..so HE had a hospital stay too…..oh, and they
eye doctor sent me to a retinologist who said I needed surgery—and over the
past 6 years I have had 7 physical surgeries on my eyes, countless laser surgeries
and countless injections…and still owe him over $10,000……
I remember standing
in my kitchen thinking, I just cannot go on any longer. Lord, this Is more than I can bear….(did I mention I was still trying to
homeschool through all this?). he said
to me, “Look at birds, they do not worry about what they are going to eat or
where they are going to sleep, and yet not one of them falls from the sky that
I don’t know about. Look at the lilies of the field. They do not worry about what they will wear. How much more to me you are than they!!! Trust ME to provide for your needs, and you just
focus on your part. “ Worrying IS a waste
of time and energy and emotion.
Over the last few years
there have been MANY faith-strengthening trials. But God is faithful. I wrote in my blog about many of the things He
did along the way. It’s important to keep
a record of his faithfulness because when we are afraid, the enemy likes to get
in our heads and say things to worry us, but if we instead look back at what God
has done to provide for us—even the impossible, then that voice is easy to recognize
as untrue. Our god IS faithful Our god DOES care about us. Our god DOES meet our needs. Our god DOES want good for us. But he also wants us to trust him and not fight
and flounder and worry. The more we trust,
the easier the walk becomes.
Stand firm in what you
know, sister. All He has for you is good.
Just rest in Him.
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