Proverbs 14:10--More on Free Will

"Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy."

I feel very strongly that it is not God's desire for my brother to die from whatever ailment is befuddling him just now. I have decided that I know how to pray--that I will continue to pray for complete healing of his body and mind and soul, being confident that that is exactly what God's will for him is. I will ask unabashedly and with all my heart. No reservations.

After seeing my brother today, I stopped at church on the way home to weep for a while, alone. The sanctuary was beautifully decked out for a banquet tonight. I found a quiet, dim place on the floor in the back and wept...and wept...and wept....And I came to realize that, though this is not God's choice for my brother, it seems to be my brother's choice for himself. He probably doesn't understand the ramifications of his choices--we seldom do--but what a magnificent juxtaposition: God's mercy and healing and compassion and forgiveness, waiting, and all my brother has to do is ask and the floodgates will open. But he doesn't ask.... God has all of this, and so much more, for all of us--but we don't ask!

And it isn't just this that hurts. Other people love my brother too. Other people are hurting too. And I hurt for them as well. But as much as we hurt, it does not even compare to how God hurts. We love Cliff much. Mom loves Cliff with all her heart. Who can love a man more than his mother? Our love for Cliff is a grain of sand on the beach, and God's love for him is the rocky cliff that stands against the waves. Our pain is miniscule compared to God's. And how many, many more Cliff's are there all over the world? throughout time?

Suddenly, I realized that I was hurting for God too....And that His tears were so much bigger than mine. I just wanted to comfort Him. And I don't know how to do that. I think of Lucy, in Narnia, crying into Aslan's mane. I want to run my fingers through Aslan's mane and wipe his tears away.