I recently found a journal of mine from 20 years ago. In it I wrote that I believed there were parts of me that God could not use, like my need to always be right. God is so patient. I asked Him, 20 years ago, to prune away the parts of me that He could not use. I suppose I still have that tendency, to always want to be right and to argue my point--at least to some extent. We cannot seem to cut away those things in ourselves very well. But it did occur to me that God gave me a son so very much like me in that area, that I get to see on a daily basis how difficult that trait is to live with and how it gets in the way of building relationships, and WHY it is important that that limb be pruned. As I look around at my relatives, I can see that this is a genetic trait that has been passed along. I can truly say that I come by it honestly. But that doesn't change how that trait affects our lives and relationships. And I suppose, there is nothing better to fix something in yourself than to see it in one of your children.
That aside, it's very disheartening to know that I saw that 20 years ago and STILL I am working on it!! It makes me feel like a failure. There are many things I have done right in my life, but many more that I have done wrong. I think, if you were to look at me from the "world's" perspective, you would have to say that on the whole I'm a failure. I don't have a high-paying job, a really nice, house, a manicured yard, or live in an uptown neighborhood, nor do I drive a snazzy car, have nice clothes, hang with the "in" crowd, read all the newest books or keep up with the latest movies or TV shows.
We recently heard a talk (sermon, if you will) that came from the Foursquare conference our pastors attended early this summer. The main point that the speaker was trying to make was that of utmost importance for our churches to thrive and grow was that the members remember the love they first had with Christ. He went on to talk about lots of other things that make churches "look" successful, but in the end, what makes them successful is how they relate to Christ. And one of the examples he used to illustrate this that touched me most deeply was the picture of Jesus' baptism. He said that the world would have waited until the end of Jesus' ministry to evaluate him, to say whether he had been "successful" or not. But the Father chose the very beginning of his ministry to express this. If you recall, when Jesus came up out of the water, the spirit descended on him like a dove and a voice from heaven said, "This is my son, in whom I am well pleased."
Those are words I need to hear every day. I need to hear God say to me, "You are mine, and I"m well pleased with you." It's not about my success in this world, it's about my response to Him.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Do You Hear Me?
About a year and a half ago, my husband had a stroke, leaving him much less able to work, and initially his short term memory made him a little dangerous in the kitchen, and he is unable to drive. Previously, he had most of the cooking and all of the shopping, while I worked a little bit, homeschooled our son, and took care of the outside chores. So all of a sudden I was left with a very heavy burden, not only doing all I had been doing before, which I had found exhausting, but now also having to add shopping (which I very much dislike) and cooking to my burden, as well as doubling my work load to try to keep our income up until we could get disability for my husband (a year later).
One day, when I was feeling completely exhausted, overwhelmed, and completely inadequate, the Lord gave me this scripture. Matthew 6. 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 28And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
And miraculously, throughout that year, though in the midst of it all I was losing my vision, the Lord DID provide, over and over again.
I had a rough day last week. I was given epinephrine as part of a block for laser surgery and an injection into my eye and I reacted very badly. So I spent several days careening between hypereuphoria and exhaustion and depression. So I wasn't dealing with the stresses that I normally have been handling just fine, and a little inkling of worry started to creep in. We have been told that our jobs may end this fall, and it's a scary proposition under normal circumstances, but when you can't see well, or if you have had a stroke and have limited abilities, the prospect of getting a job seems almost unsurmountable. And yet, I know God has a plan for us. He has just not shared it with us yet.
So Wednesday night, I was starting to let worry creep in just a bit. But after services a man handed me a napkin and said to me, "Jesus wants you to have this." Folded up inside the napkin was some cash. And I took it to mean that God was reassuring me that He has a plan for our future, that He knows our needs.
But of course, in the process of my ups and downs and lack of sleep and exhaustion I started to doubt what I thought I had heard. "It was just a coincidence." You know how that goes. But the next morning, out of the blue, my doctor's nurse calls and says to me, "Someone left some Levemir on my desk, and I wondered if you might want it?" Levemir is a type of insulin I take, and one of my worries about not having a job, is not being able to afford insulin. I had not called and asked; she just remembered me. It was as if God was saying. "Yes, you heard me correctly!" But of course, the thoughts persist. Perhaps she "happened" to think of me was because I had had surgery the day before and the chart note about it appeared on her desk at the same time. Just another coincidence.
I hate it when my mind does these things to me. Why can't I just KNOW?
So Sunday, at church, we have a guest speaker. Guess what scripture she picked for her sermon? Yup, Matthew 6:24-33. Well, just in case I was wondering. Yes, He said it a third time. "Do not worry. I know your needs."
One day, when I was feeling completely exhausted, overwhelmed, and completely inadequate, the Lord gave me this scripture. Matthew 6. 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 28And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
And miraculously, throughout that year, though in the midst of it all I was losing my vision, the Lord DID provide, over and over again.
I had a rough day last week. I was given epinephrine as part of a block for laser surgery and an injection into my eye and I reacted very badly. So I spent several days careening between hypereuphoria and exhaustion and depression. So I wasn't dealing with the stresses that I normally have been handling just fine, and a little inkling of worry started to creep in. We have been told that our jobs may end this fall, and it's a scary proposition under normal circumstances, but when you can't see well, or if you have had a stroke and have limited abilities, the prospect of getting a job seems almost unsurmountable. And yet, I know God has a plan for us. He has just not shared it with us yet.
So Wednesday night, I was starting to let worry creep in just a bit. But after services a man handed me a napkin and said to me, "Jesus wants you to have this." Folded up inside the napkin was some cash. And I took it to mean that God was reassuring me that He has a plan for our future, that He knows our needs.
But of course, in the process of my ups and downs and lack of sleep and exhaustion I started to doubt what I thought I had heard. "It was just a coincidence." You know how that goes. But the next morning, out of the blue, my doctor's nurse calls and says to me, "Someone left some Levemir on my desk, and I wondered if you might want it?" Levemir is a type of insulin I take, and one of my worries about not having a job, is not being able to afford insulin. I had not called and asked; she just remembered me. It was as if God was saying. "Yes, you heard me correctly!" But of course, the thoughts persist. Perhaps she "happened" to think of me was because I had had surgery the day before and the chart note about it appeared on her desk at the same time. Just another coincidence.
I hate it when my mind does these things to me. Why can't I just KNOW?
So Sunday, at church, we have a guest speaker. Guess what scripture she picked for her sermon? Yup, Matthew 6:24-33. Well, just in case I was wondering. Yes, He said it a third time. "Do not worry. I know your needs."
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