Thoughts on Fear

One of the things I woke up with last April was the unshakable knowledge that I was unconditionally loved.  It wasn't an intellectual knowledge..something that I know in my head but not throughout the rest of me.

For a long time I have thought that we are really too hard on ourselves.  We have this notion that we have to measure up to something in order to be accepted and loved, and the better able we are to measure up, the more we are able to accept being accepted and loved.

I remember when I had my daughter.  I watched her sleeping one night when she was about 18 months old, and I knew without any doubt in my mind that I would unhesitatingly, unthinkingly, lay down my life for her.  She didn't have to do anything to earn my love.  She didn't have to be the best at anything, she didn't have to be good, or nice, or cute or obedient--NOTHING.  I loved her with everything that was in me just because i did--because she was my child, perhaps, or because God gave me a supernatural love for her--whatever the reason, it was the strongest, surest, most enduring love I had ever felt.

But that night, as I was pondering that amazing feeling, I realized that MY mom loved ME in that same way.  And almost in the same instant that I realized how much I loved my daughter, I also was able to accept how much I was loved.

Over the course of the years, as I watched people bash themselves for failures (big and small) I started to see that they weren't seeing themselves the way God sees them.  What parent when his child takes his first steps and falls on his hands, or his behind, thinks poorly of him?  No, the parent comforts the child, hugs him, helps him up, and encourages him to keep trying.  Even after that child has been buzzing around for years, when he trips and skins his knee or elbow or palms, the parent still does not scold, but puts Bactine and Band-Aids on the wounds and offers snuggles for the wounded ego.

When I was "sleeping" I felt like I was that little child, romping like a lamb or kid, kicking up my heels, running clumsily, stumbling and falling, but not worrying about falling, about making mistakes.  There was no fear or ridicule or scolding.  No fear of failing a quiz and taking my grade average down.  I was loved, completely loved, just exactly as I am...."Now therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit."  and "perfect Love casts our fear".

We really need to check the self-talk that goes on in our heads. Are the words condemning us for failures or flaws or misfortunes?  Do those words line up with Scripture?  Do they line up with what our Father in Heaven thinks of us?  Do they line up with what the One who died so that there would be no condemnation for us thinks of us?  The one who said, "Where are your accusers?  ...Then neither do i condemn you.  Go and sin no more." and the One who said, "The one who is forgiven much loves the most."

Where is there a place for fear in us?  We have no fear of failure.  There is no one to condemn us.  We have not reason to worry, because God holds all things, provides for all our needs, and loves more than we can imagine.  What can we really control?  One of my greatest fears is that I will die and my son will not have me to direct him and his attitude, or redirect him, or keep pointing him toward God.  But what can I really REALLY do in that regard.  I can love him, I can be gentle with him, I can encourage him and pick him up when he falls--but I can't make him love God, not really.  If God sees fit to allow me to continue to participate in my son's life, you had better believe I will do it with my whole heart, because he is the only mission field I really care about. But even if I do everything right, I really, in the end, have no control over my son's choices.  No parent really does.  We can pray. We can do things to pull them in or push them out, but ultimately the decision lies with each person as to whom he will serve.  So, while I WANT to be a part of his life, it's not ultimately my decision...God will take me whenever He wants or let me stay until Jesus returns.  I really don't have any say in it, and I have to let go of THAT fear..that last little bit of pseudo control I have in life...over life itself...

And once I let go of all that fear, guess what?  There is nothing left for me to do but love.  I don't have to worry about the harvest, about the weeds, about my lawn getting mowed, about what I'm going to eat or drink, about what I'm going to wear, about deadlines...The only thing left for me to do is to love and frolic. If I want to frolic by swimming a mile or mowing my lawn or tending my flowers, or making beauty around me, then I'm free to do that...but I don't HAVE to, and the world won't fall apart if I don't....

And you know what else I learned about fear and letting go of it?  It makes me free to see things more clearly.  I had an appraiser come out last fall, after I had done NOTHING with my yard all summer...my husband had had my son throw cardboard on the back deck rather than taking it to the burn pile and blackberries had overgrown most of it. We had about 2 days' notice that he was coming and I actually took a day off work so I could clean the back deck and mow the yard, and Gary frantically cleaned inside, but it' really looked like a hoarder's house still....and I was fretting about that appraiser coming and God told me, "just remember, it doesn't matter one bit what he thinks of you."...and when he came and saw the clutter still on the front deck and his first words were, "You did know I was coming, right?"  I repeated to myself, as I did many times in his hour-long inspection, "It doesn't matter a bit what he thinks of me."  And it didn't, and it worked out fine.

And once I let that go, once I REALLY believe deep inside, that "it doesn't matter one lick what you think of me", then I'm free to see you as God sees you, flaws and needs all together, and I'm better able to help you--I'm better able to see past your criticism and treat you and talk to you in a loving way.

When I don't count, you are so much easier to love!  (and I'll bet it works the other way around too).

So MY New Year's resolution is to learn to walk in perfect love...to not walk in fear or in the flesh, but to walk in truth....I don't want to forget what last April felt like....the joy of coming back to life, and the comfort of being completely accepted and loved--and what it felt like to live without fear.  I'm gonna fail.  But I'm going to get back up and keep on trying, because you don't learn to run by giving up when you are learning to walk.....  And I'm going to quit being afraid of leaving you all behind, because God will take care of you all--with or without me.  And truth is, I want to stay here as long as I'm still growing and still being of some use in the kingdom--or to my family...but I'm not afraid to leave, when the time comes, so if I don't get to say goodbye,  I'll see you later!!!  Don't live in fear.