Control

My oldest brother was always the policeman in the family. Mom would leave him in charge, and I remember as a preschooler I would always push him to the limit, and then one step beyond, which usually ended in a chase and eventually a paddling...but I didn't care much. I liked the game. I think it's human nature to push the limits, to confirm the boundaries. There is a sense of security in knowing where the boundaries are. When I was in college, I read about a study that had been done with children where they put one group outdoors in an area and told them where the boundaries were and another group they put in the same area, but used a rope to delineate the boundaries. The children who had the clear boundary played in more of the allowed area than the children who had only the verbally given boundary. So, knowing where the boundaries are not only gives us more of a sense of security, it also gives us more freedom.

Our indoor cat got out the other day, and it was almost a whole day before we noticed she was missing. When I finally found her outside, she was cold, hungry, and frightened. After I had brought her in and held her and reassured her and warmed her up for a little while, I set her down by the food to eat, but she had something more important to do. I watched her as she explored the house, walking around the perimeter of each room, checking under the couch and the table, walking all through every room that was open. Then she ate. She was checking the boundaries. She was making sure things were where she thought they were, the walls were where she thought they were, the furniture was in place. Once she established that, she felt secure enough to eat.

When I think back over my life, the times I misbehaved the worst were tumultuous times. I felt insecure because of things that were going on in my life and I was "checking the boundaries" by my bad behavior. When my mom left the house and left my brother in charge, I had to check the boundaries. When unexpected things happened, I had to check the boundaries.

I think of Paul, in Romans 7, when he says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Keith Green paraphrased it, "The very things I hate, I end up doing. The things I wanna do, I just don't do."

Pastor Gordon spoke Wednesday about "flushing Egypt from our souls". When Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt, they ended up wandering in the wilderness for 40 years before going into the promised land. They had been slaves in Egypt for generations and no doubt had a slave mentality. Perhaps it took them 40 years to quit "testing the boundaries".

It's that way with us too. God leads us out of Egypt, out of bondage to this world and its rules of operation, out of our slave mentality, and He wants to lead us into the promised land, a land where the rules are different, where we have authority. But every time something changes, we feel insecure and we "test the boundaries"--the very things we hate, we end up doing--just to verify that the "cause and effect" are still the same.

A wise counselor told me, when I was in high school, "Why do you try to control everyone else? The only one you are responsible for is yourself." That was a huge eye opener for me, and very freeing. But I soon learned that I wasn't even very good at controlling myself. The very things I hated, I ended up doing, and the things I wanted to do, I just could not do.

I have said of my son that he was born to be king. He is like me in that. He wants the world and everything in it to be under his control and it is very frustrating for him when it is not--when Mom and Dad tell him to do something he does not want to do....or that interferes with his plans. I think I have just about decided that life in general is really not in my control at all. I can only control my response to it...and sometimes barely that. And I think the reason for that is that I have not flushed Egypt from my system. When something unexpected or undesired happens, I revert to my old ways and start "checking the boundaries".

Maybe when I finally admit that I am not in control, and stop grasping for control of all I can, in any way I can, then perhaps I may actually have some control....not necessarily control over life, but at least over my response to it.